What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 25.06.2025 01:45
But, we were locked up after school.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why did i forgive my father ?
Why does Africa have all mineral resources but she is suffering economically?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was 9 years of age.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I have no regrets .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She loved him until the end.
I was seconnd youngest,
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
It was going to be , some day.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
What did i know ?
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He resisted the act ,that day.
Put me off passion for life!!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Comes on , in middle age.
And i lived it daily.
What is it that gives a man who is a submissive cock sucker his most pleasure?
Would this be the day?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
How do I run away? I'm 15 and live in Oklahoma.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He was dying to do it , i knew.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
When she asked me how she looked .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She married twice! .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
So whats the point in blame.
So, i spoilt her more .
All the time i was locked up.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My life is so biszare .
She was in good health!
But it wasn’t much.
This is soul school!.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I will be 64.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I could never make a relationship work though!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was very sick at this time too.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I couldn’t, believe it.
We were not on the streets..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I said to her
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He knew the spot.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I think the readers, may guess!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Was to survive, this bastard.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Ive learnt so much.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
One cannot live in the past .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was scared of men, in general
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We all went to grammer schools
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I write beautiful poetry .
I don,t even have a pension.
Especially a lifetime of it.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I waited trembling.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I never cut or harmed myself..
She wouldn,t have been !
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Im still living with it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My family never makes their pension either.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She found it foreign!.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Who then, do I blame.?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!